lyzz13's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- missing you Smart one that I am, I�ve stayed up all night yet again, read and thinking. Right now, I�m waiting on my pot of coffee to finish brewing and dwelling on my life. I read Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and was listening to �Much Ado.� Great combination, I know. Secrets is all about friendship and the relationship of a woman and her mother. I�ve never seen the move, on principle mostly (I fucking hate Sandra Bullock), but I read the book years before it was a movie. Yesterday, I talked to both my best friend in the entire world, and my mother, for about an hour each. It struck me how lonely I am. I mean, yeah, I talk to people every day, I have a bunch of great friends I see on a regular basis, but still, I�m just lonely. The two most important people in my life are in other states, and I�m lucky if I talk to them once a week. We�re all busy in our own lives, and we get sidetracked. I miss them terribly. It�s like my foundation is missing. No Mama here to feed me, to listen to my concerns, to love me, to basically tuck me in at night and promise the monsters won�t come eat me. No Kitty here to raise hell with, to stay out all hours of the night with, to bitch and complain about things with. Kitty is closer than family to me, and I miss her. It�s been almost a year of me living alone in the big scary cruel world, and I haven�t done too badly, but I think it would have been easier if one or both of them were a little closer. Just someone I could cry to when things got really bad. Someone to hold me every now and then. That�s one of the big things I miss. The friends I still have here are great, but I wouldn�t cry on any of their shoulders. Hell, my roommate�s only seen me cry once, maybe twice, since we started living together. And gods know I�ve had enough to cry about. Around everyone else, I always act happy, like there�s nothing in the world that is wrong, that could ever go wrong, but inside, I hurt. I�m lonely, kind of scared, and there�s this great sense of want. Nope, don�t know what I want, but dammit, I want it. All my mother ever has to do is look at me, and she knows how I�m feeling. And she�ll hug me, or ask me, and I can cry as much as I want, and she�ll just hold me and rub my back until I�m done. And then she�ll fix us drinks. I love my mother. As for Kitty, we�d just take off in her car or mine, and we�d head out to the beach, or the woods, or anywhere else we could just be alone and just be there together. One semester, I was lying to my mother, said I was in a night class, got dropped off at the community college, and 20 minutes later, Kitty and I were heading over the hill to the coast. At the time, my mother was dating a man who I really didn�t like, and I didn�t trust him at all. He scared me. I didn�t like being home, because there was a good chance he�d show up. Mom was happy so I didn�t want to hurt her. She needed to be happy. So Kitty and I would sit on the beach, the salt air a heavy aura, the wind whisking my tears away. We never had to talk, we just watched the sun setting into the ocean, knowing that tomorrow would be another day and maybe something would change. Kitty is perhaps the most understanding person I know. Of course it helps that we grew up together. She is my other half. It doesn�t feel right without her here. I need someone to share my pain with, as well as my joys. Like I said, I always act happy. If you�re familiar at all with Shakespeare�s �Much Ado About Nothing,� there is a character Beatrice. I�m most like her. She says, �I was born to speak all mirth and no matter.� She acts lighthearted all the time, but inside, she is a person of great depth and feeling. I do that all the fucking time. I�m a cynic, a smartass, and sarcastic as all hell, but I always keep things on the light side, and smile and laugh a lot. But not inwardly. I have a real smile, and a fake one. The fake one�s up most of the time, but the real one is one I save for those special moments, when I�m really happy. Those moments are too far and few these days. I need more of those moments. I�ve been writing and thinking for far too long now, my coffee has gotten cold, and I need to go get ready for work. So I leave you with my favorite quote from Ado. But then there was a star danced, and under that was I born. 5:39 a.m. - September 20, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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